His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize