So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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