the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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