i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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