I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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