Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
