She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
