the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
