it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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