How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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