last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
