Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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