david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
