That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
