So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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