I swear she didn't look like that last week.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize