I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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