i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
