i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Is it because I queefed?
nutella sex= disaster
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
