The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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