I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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