My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
