You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
