Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
