thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
