also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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