Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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