Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
