just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm passing your future prison.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
