I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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