Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize