I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
