you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
