So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
