I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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