whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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