I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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