I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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