The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
