i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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