Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
