By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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