time to smoke my breakfast
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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