soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
