He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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