I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
