the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
