You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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