Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
