my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
