the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
