Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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