Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
