theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
