when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
