You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
