So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
