Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
