Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
